I grew up with sports-loving parents. Oh, they loved me too, but it wasn’t the same. I was born a mere three years after the Seattle Mariners formed, and the Seahawks preceded them by just a year more. My infancy mirrored those two glorious franchises.

Of course, my toddler brain failed to wrap around the significance of these new regional teams. I ignorantly ignored their meaningful presence even while my parents would shutter themselves in house, willing their teams to victory (or not, as in the case of the Mariners).

Yet, I grew older. My lack of sports fandom did nothing to impede this inevitability. I had just turned 15. I had been to the old Kingdome before its implosion many times prior. I yelled — on one occasion, my brother and I yelled, “Go George!” (Ken Griffey, Jr.’s real first name) and he obligedly hit a homerun &mdash and acted the part of the fan, but a fan I was not. At 15, that all changed.

The Mariners had made their improbable run reality. Thirteen games back in early August erased. It all came down to one game, versus the California Angels. Former Mariner Mark Langston started for the opponent, while stars Ken Griffey, Jr., Edgar Martinez, Jay Buhner, and Randy Johnson all starred for us.

I didn’t know much of that then. As I said, I wasn’t a fan. But I became one that day. My father relayed the game’s significance by inviting us children into his room. We laid on his bed, on any other day strictly forboden. When Luis Sojo hit his bases clearing double (“Everybody scores!”), I jumped high into the air, unaware my feet had even touched the ground.

I had become a fan. The status was cemented days later when the Mariners overcame a two-game deficit in a best-of-five series versus the hated Yankees (besides the aforementioned Angels, the Yankees were the first time I youthfully hated). Edgar hit The Double and Griffey scored the winning run. A more magical moment is hard to imagine, mostly since it was my first magic moment.

I eventually added the Seahawks to my roster, then followed by (the later supplanted) the Sonics, and now the Sounders. The 2001 116-win Mariner season. Ichiro. Buhner/ARod/Olerud’s cycles. The 2005 Super Bowl (darn those zebras). Gary Payton & Shawn Kemp. Freddies Ljungberg & Montero. These are the players, seasons, and moments I have loved, rather traditionally and irrationally over the last near 15 years.

However, something has begun to creep into my sports fandom. As I mentioned, my regional sports love was rather traditional and irrational. Of course a love for a sports team is irrational, but with the onset of the sabermetric craze popularized by Moneyball and online fantasy sports, my fandom changed.

This post was largely inspired by Carson Cistulli’s article The Gambler and the Investor on FanGraphs. In it, Cistulli states that his emotional investment in baseball has changed over the years. He no longer lives and dies by the Red Sox (he chose a poor time to get over that fixation), but instead lives and dies by particular players — usually up-and-(not so)-comers. He hedges his bets a bit by casting a wide net, but nonetheless it’s the players who catch his interest. Thus it is with me.

Last year the Mariners lost 101 games while spending over $100 million, the first franchise in history to ever do that. The Seahawks lost 12 of their 16 games, losing many players to injury. But I watched both seasons, and in the case of the Seahawks, every game. Even though the Mariners horrid General Manager fielded a team of overpaid, horrid players, he also fielded Ichiro, Felix Hernandez, and Adrian Beltre. Even though Matt Hasselbeck and every single offensive lineman and wide receiver were injured, I found joy in watch Ray Willis, Jordan Kent, and Seneca Wallace excel.

With fantasy baseball and fantasy football, my focus has shifted from winners and losers and instead has shifted to performers. With the advent of advanced statistics in both sports freely available on the internet, it’s quite easy to determine who those performers are.

The Mariners will most likely not make the playoffs this season, but it has been a joy to watch. Franklin Gutierrez might be the best defensive center fielder and baseball and has a mighty fine stick to go along with his glove. Mike Carp’s two-week stint in the big leagues was great to watch because I was aware of his potential to perform. It didn’t matter whether the Mariners won, it was fun to see Carp and Gutierrez and the dozen other performers on the team.

Same goes with the Seahawks. I won’t bog you down in more individualisms, but if the Seahawks don’t perform as a team again this year, I have my list of players I’ll be watching and investing myself in.

Until one of my teams makes another magical run, I can’t be sure if I’ve irrevocable changed. Until I’m watching my team in the Super Bowl again or the World Series for the first time, I won’t be sure if I’ve just switched into survival mode. Perhaps I’m watching the players because if I’m too emotionally invested in teams that don’t perform, than I’m not too good either. Perhaps it will revert.

Or perhaps, I’ve evolved.

Due to some unknown server configuration, Wordpress had trouble grabbing the Twitter RSS feed with any consistency. No matter which plugin I used, error messages occurred 90% of the time. I spent at least 10 hours researching the subject and participating in a small discussion on the matter.

I’ve finally devised a workaround by using Twitter’s Atom feed instead of RSS. For the last four days it has worked without a hitch. All the function does is grab the most recent tweet and prints it along with how long ago it was tweeted.

Follow the link below for the code, and feel free to see it working on Roxanne’s page.

Twitterpate function.

To use, insert the following into your theme or template:

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<?php echo Twitterpate(); ?>

You need a functions.php file in your theme directory. If it does not exist for your theme, create it in your theme directory and wrap <?php before the function and ?> after it.)

Feel free to customize the HTML on lines 6, 8, & 26 to suit your needs.

Insert the following into functions.php, replacing the username:

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function Twitterpate() {
 
	// Your twitter username.
	$username = "JoeSchmoe";
 
	$prefix = "<span>Latest Tweet:</span> ";
 
	$suffix = "";
 
	$feed = "http://search.twitter.com/search.atom?q=from:" . $username . "&rpp=1";
 
	function parse_feed($feed) {
 
		/*** Getting Tweet text ***/
		$step_one = explode("<content type=\"html\">", $feed);
		$step_two = explode("</content>", $step_one[1]);
		$tweet = $step_two[0];
		$tweet = str_replace("&lt;", "<", $tweet);
		$tweet = str_replace("&gt;", ">", $tweet);
 
		/*** Getting date in human time difference ***/
		preg_match('~<published>(.*?)</published>~', $feed, $match);
		if (!empty($match)) $date_string = iso8601_to_timestamp($match[0]);
			else $date_string = '';
		if ($date_string != '') {
			$date_string = '<abbr>' . human_time_diff($date_string) . ' ago</abbr>';
			$tweet .= $date_string;
		}
 
		return $tweet;
	}
 
	function iso8601_to_timestamp($datestr) {
		$eregStr =
		'([0-9]{4})-'.  // centuries & years CCYY-
		'([0-9]{2})-'.  // months MM-
		'([0-9]{2})'.   // days DD
		'T'.                    // separator T
		'([0-9]{2}):'.  // hours hh:
		'([0-9]{2}):'.  // minutes mm:
		'([0-9]{2})(\.[0-9]+)?'. // seconds ss.ss...
		'(Z|[+\-][0-9]{2}:?[0-9]{2})?'; // Z to indicate UTC, -/+HH:MM:SS.SS... for local tz's
		if(ereg($eregStr,$datestr,$regs)){
			// not utc
			if($regs[8] != 'Z'){
				$op = substr($regs[8],0,1);
				$h = substr($regs[8],1,2);
				$m = substr($regs[8],strlen($regs[8])-2,2);
				if($op == '-') {
					$regs[4] = $regs[4] + $h;
					$regs[5] = $regs[5] + $m;
				}
				elseif($op == '+') {
					$regs[4] = $regs[4] - $h;
					$regs[5] = $regs[5] - $m;
				}
			}
			return strtotime("$regs[1]-$regs[2]-$regs[3] $regs[4]:$regs[5]:$regs[6]Z");
		}
		else return false;
	}
 
 
	$twitterFeed = file_get_contents($feed);
	return stripslashes($prefix) . parse_feed($twitterFeed) . stripslashes($suffix);
 
}

Credit goes to: Mark Essel for the foundation of the function and XooFoo for the iso8601_to_timestamp function.

I took her old design out back, loaded two shells into the shotgun, shed a tear, and *KABLAMO* it was Ol’ Yeller time. Despite the death that heralded its incarnation, the new design rose like a phoenix and carries a strong bouquet of that new-site smell.

As of the time I’m writing this, Roxanne hasn’t yet finished putting up all of her content. She still has several hundred photos to upload and many blog posts to write. Still, you can marvel at the fantastic design.

So, get on over there, sign up for user accounts, and constantly harangue her for more blog posts and photo uploads!

The Lies of Locke Lamora & Red Seas Under Red Skies by Scott Lynch

Amazon calls Locke Lamora a picaresque fantasy, which is a fancy way of saying roguish. The titular character is the greatest of con men, in the vein of Danny Ocean. Like Ocean, Locke has his merry band of men to help him pull off bigger heists than most could conceive. Along the way, Locke encounters more than his share of twists and scrapes, and is generally worse off for his efforts.

I loved The Lies of Locke Lamora. The character of Locke was wonderfully realized, the schemes fantastic, and the villains were wicked enough to make me wonder how everything would come out in the end.

On a bit of a sour note, it was very obvious that the book was written in the three act structure with each act being drastically different in tone from each other. The first act was much like Ocean’s Eleven in tone: airy, witty, and roguish. The second act was dark and the third was filled with action. While I liked each act very much, I would have appreciated a bit more consistency between them.

The followup entry, Red Seas Under Red Skies, was not nearly as good as Lies, but I still found it enjoyable. It nearly fell into what I call the Terry Goodkind Trap: setting up an impossible to overcome situation so that it requires rewriting rules for the heroes to win the day. That’s even worse than a deus ex machina, in my opinion. However, Lynch sets up the near-impossible situation and its resolution is a bit far-fetched but plausible.

Overall, a fine, fine book followed by a fine sequel. Recommended.

The Name of the Wind by Patrick Rothfuss

Kvothe is a washed-up demigod (in abilities, not divinity). He’s hung up his sword, turned his back on his magic, and gone incognito. A chronicler finds out his identity and asks him to tell the tale of his mythical life. Kvothe, seeing the world and his own life spiraling into darkness, agrees. The storytelling takes him three days. The Name of the Wind is the first of those three days.

Another book that I absolutely loved. More than the other two authors featured here, Rothfuss is a wordsmith. I easily got lost in his writing only to be consistently impressed with his phrasing and word choice.

Since the book’s success hinged on the main character, it is great that Kvothe is such a fantastic character. It was fun watching him grow up, deal with tragedy and hardship and finally joining a wizards’ school not too dissimilar from Hogwarts. I’m sure Rothfuss would cringe at that comparison, but it’s an apt analogy.

The only complaint I can raise here is the fact that the next two books in the trilogy aren’t already published. He has everything written, but the editing process is slow and Rothfuss’s newfound fame and baby-in-the-wings has slowed it even more.

Book one will make you yearn for two and three. Read it if you dare, but don’t forget about it if you choose to wait for the other two to be published.

The Blade Itself, Before They Are Hanged, & Last Argument of Kings by Joe Abercrombie

Assembled of an ensemble of characters, The First Law series by Abercrombie features cantankerous wizards, barbarian hordes, religious zealots, and a crippled torturer. Armies of mighty nations are arraying against the incompetently-ruled Union. Evil foes are breaking the Laws of Magic and devouring the flesh of man, granting them powerful magics. All that stands in their way is an international grouping of disparate personalities and a tired, crippled inquisitor.

While Locke Lamora and Kvothe are the linchpins of their respective books, Abercrombie does not rely too heavily on any one character. Glotka, Logen, Jezal, Bayaz, West, Dogman, and Ferro are all POV characters. But George R. R. Martin this isn’t; the characters are for the most part together, interacting with one another.

This isn’t necessarily fair of me to put out a review before I’ve finished the series, but I’m a little over halfway through and I can tell you that I love it passionately. Of the new guard, only Rothfuss has the potential to outdo Abercrombie here. Abercrombie’s writing isn’t as sterling as Rothfuss’s, but his characters are tremendous. Glotka is one of the best characters I’ve ever read. Only Dogman and Ferro are at all flat, and I give Dogman a pass because his coolness and that of the rest of the Northmen in his band. I’ve read complaints about Jezal being too whiny and flat, but I rather like the arc I see Abercrombie taking with him. Though I admit he is trying to read about (akin to Martin’s Sansa).

Unless Abercrombie blows it in the remaining book and a half, this will count among my favorite series of all time. Go read it!

When I watch a movie, I tend to get immersed in it, much as I read a novel. I tend to forget that I’m observing a artificial medium and I experience the story. That’s largely the reason I need characters I can connect with, otherwise my immersion isn’t enjoyable.

There are a few technical aspects that get in the way of this immersion. If the film is grainy or the lighting is too dark, I lose interest. If the sound is too poor to allow me to hear the dialogue clearly, I lose interest. It wasn’t until the mid-’80s that the technology finally approached realism. It was perfected in the early ’90s, allowing me to be engrossed by the movie.

I also get turned off by the hamminess present in many silver screen films. People spoke differently in movies; everything had a hyper-realistic quality I assume meant to counteract their technological deficiencies. If someone were to speak and behave as they did in classic films, they’d be laughed into depression. This too, is a barricade to me being able to forget that I am watching a movie.

Now, this normally isn’t an issue for me. I just avoid movies made before 1990. But then when someone asks if I’ve seen The Godfather or The Seven Samurai, I have to respond negatively and launch into my explanation. I also get perturbed with the infamous “Top 100 Movies to See Before You Die”-type lists (see AFI or Yahoo). They’re largely populated by movies released before my cutoff.

I’ve given them chances, I really have. It’s been a decade since I’ve seen some of these, but I’ll go through a few off of Yahoo’s list:

Apocalypse Now (1979) – Lighting too dark to make out, dialogue strange (purposefully), too mind-trippy for me to enjoy.

Blade Runner (1982) – Lighting and sound quality very poor, movie way too slow (and I love slowly developing movies), villains far too campy.

Casablanca (1942) – I personally don’t get the hoopla surrounding this movie. I’m not a fan in nearly any aspect.

Dr. Strangelove (1964) – I hate, hate, hate Kubrick, and this suffered from very dark lighting too.

It’s a Wonderful Life (1946) – I’m on the fence with this movie. Decent story and good acting, but still hyper-realistic and campy.

On the Waterfront (1954) – This movie nearly put me to sleep. Besides Brando, who really grounded his character, the acting was campy. The lighting made it near impossible to make anything out.

Psycho (1960) – Another classic movie I could not enjoy because of the technical deficiencies.

Rebel Without a Cause (1955) – It’s been fifteen years since I’ve seen this, but I remember disliking it due to camp.

You’ll notice there are several absolute “classics” on the list, if not all of them. I get reamed every time I mention that I dislike these movies. The technological drawbacks of earlier films coupled with general hammy acting has kept me from viewing classics like Citizen Kane, The Godfather, Raging Bull, and The Graduate. I’m afraid I’m going to hate them too. I’d much prefer thinking Kane and Godfather as absolute classics instead of knowing they are not.

Every time I’ve gone through this spiel with someone explaining why I haven’t seen their favorite movie yet, they tell me, “No, it’s different with this one!” I give it a shot and hate it. It sucks. I know these movies are supposed to be good, I just can’t enjoy them because of the way I watch movies. It doesn’t always work out the way — but it usually does.

As an added bonus, here are a few exceptions to my rule:

E.T. (1982) – Speilberg does a great job with lighting, acting, etc.

Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975) – The humor outweighs the horrid lighting and sound quality.

Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981) – Speilberg again. He’s a technical wizard.

Rocky (1976) – This movie suffers from poor lighting and a sluggish middle, but it had a modern feel to it that let it work me over.

Star Wars (1977) – I absolutely love these movies. There’s little else to be said about them besides that besides the hair styles and the sets, this movie doesn’t look like it was made in the late ’70s.

This is Spinal Tap (1984) – I mention the famous mockumentary because it didn’t aim to be a film and therefore didn’t require my immersion.

Tootsie (1982) – Looks like it was filmed in the early ’90s, the story is great, and Dustin Hoffman amazing.

The Wizard of Oz (1939) – I watched this when I was so young it has the nostalgia factor going for it. Otherwise, I think it’d be nigh unwatchable.

But for now I have a bit of a motivation problem. It’s starting to feel like one of those big papers I had to write in order to pass a class. I didn’t care about those. This I care about because it’s mine. It’s what I want to write. I have had these ideas ready to ink for ages and now I’ve actually begun.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not behind or anything. I’ve written just over 21,000 words, well over the minimum required for this time (16,000+ for the record). But most of it is what I considered the easy part. My initial idea for the book concerned essentially what I’ve now written. I always had the idea of how to start, but struggled with figuring out where and how to end it. I keep jumping from character to character, writing until I hit a block.

Now I’ve somewhat run out of the fun stuff to write and I’m delaying. I’ve written the bare minimum for the last four days, even though yesterday and today I’ve had plenty of time grind it out. I’ve even tried tricks to get myself going (like the wickedly wonderful Write or Die tool on kamikaze mode), but they’re temporary fixes at best.

So this is blog post is a catharsis of sorts. It’s admitting to myself (and the world) that I need to get going with this, fun or no.

I’m looking forward to the editing process. I’ve always been good at that. It’s this beginning part I suck at. Wish me luck! I mean it.

It’s not the typical “my life blows” rationale either, at least I don’t think I’m rationalizing that. Rather, I saw the list of attendees and there were only a couple people with whom I wished to reminisce. Those few I can do so on an individual basis.

But it has made me think of and encounter those awkward greetings after extended interims apart. You know the ones, those “how have things been since the time I saw you last” exchanges. They never much get any where. Plenty of “things are great”s and “I started a new job”s but never any meaty, meaningful admissions.

Anywho, that led me to a different sort of extended-separation correspondence. Without further ado, here is an Ian update, headline-style:

Kayak industry falters, makers peddle on

New couch decorates den

Girlfriend now wins bread, brings home bacon

Death creeps closer as birthday passes

With truck acquisition white trash ranks swell

Discovery Channel appearance explodes ego

And for those of you who are buy-curious, here is my (our, technically, but this blog is about me) new couch:

Note the awesomeness. Also, the sectional-ness. It looks smaller in the pictures, but it measures roughly eight feet on each side and almost 11 feet across the hypotenuse (suck it, Pythagoras!).

Also, I was able to construct a new wall gallery following the instructions on how to hang a string of pictures on a wall. Here are the results:

Next up, a new mattress. Likely from IKEA.

Nonetheless, NaNoWriMo is National Novel Writing Month. Actually, November is NaNoWriMo, and this year, I’ve signed up!

That’s write (dur-hur), yours truly is planning to set out on the wonderful expedition of novel writing. Of course, it’s not really wonderful. It’s excrutiatingly tiring and I so dislike writing, but I feel the need to try it this year.

A few years back I was living with my cousin, Cameron, and he participated. He successfully completeted his required 50,000 words and finished with a nice, steaming pile of crap. And that’s what I want to do!

To be fair, I’m aiming for double that amount of words, and, ergo, I suppose, double that amount of crap.

I don’t want to get to heavily into plot ideas now, because I want to have the liberty to change it as I will. Writing the plot down now would leave me with some sense of responsibility of staying with my preconceptions even if I find out they’re not working too well.

But I will say these things: It is to be a fantasy novel set in the fantastical world I created when I was ten. I have six main characters in mind now. I plan on using a format similar to the frame story of Chaucer with the main main character’s story being primarily told through his interactions with the others and interludes.

That’s the plan, at least. I have good beginnings for each character in mind, but I haven’t the foggiest idea how I’ll get them all together and move them toward this vague climaxy thing I have in my head. We’ll see!

When I finish and edit, I plan on posting some of the excerpts here. I’m sure I’ll eventually self-publish it for my own enjoyment, but who knows. Maybe it’ll be good enough to submit to publishers. I’m not holding my breath, but it’s possible.

To make up for it, I have a couple commercials here I want to talk about. Which should we do first, the good or the bad?

I think good first. So here we go:

This is from the Washington State Lottery, and it’s ingenious! The spot is artfully done and it just gives you/me an uplifting feeling when it’s done (pun not intended). I believe it is intended to give that uplifting feeling so when you think of the state lottery you don’t think, hmmmm, government controlled regressive gambling. Instead you think, Yay! Flying! Brilliant.

Now the bad:

This is a sloppy advert. The two parts are stereotypical (which I know commercials rely on because of time constraints) and insultingly so. The insensitive husband innocently insults his overly-sensitive wife by telling her that she’s being healthy. Yeah…

That alone isn’t enough to get a mention here. No, this ad is here because of its production. They used a British commercial, dubbed over the actor’s voices (to get rid of the accent), and CG-ed the box so it matched the American product.

The way the box moves makes it painfully obvious that it’s CG. Really, can you tell me that having someone CG a cereal box was less expensive than just reshooting the commercial? Or, perhaps, thinking of a better one?

And on a completely unrelated note, in about one hour it becomes my birthday. I’m not sure how I feel about that. I remember when a birthday was one of the best days of the year, a day to be looked forward to. Now, it’s just … it just is.

Legalese and Butt-Saving Language available here.

This site is not affiliated in any way with companies or trademarks represented in these fine advertisements. Commercial content presented here, either video, still shot, audio, or otherwise, remains the property of their respective owners. All trademarks represented on this site are the property of their respective owners. No copies of advertisements are or will ever be given or sold to anyone, no matter how much they plead with me to sell it to them. Materials presented here are for editorial purposes only.

I say “eh” because my favorite commercial of my extensive Olympics viewership so far this year has come via the Canadian Broadcasting Channel. This video took tons of hunting down to find, as apparently no one in Canada has heard of YouTube.

Obviously the commercial has the cute factor going for it, which doesn’t always reel me in. But for some reason, here it does.

The commercial shows pretty much all of the major winter sports and does so in an entertaining fashion. It made me want to watch the Vancouver Games tomorrow.

Good job, Wonder Bread (called Wonder+ because it’s for kids? For Canadians? Bunch of hosers, I say).

Another of my favorites has been from United Airlines. They’ve done a whole new series of their animated “It’s Time to Fly” adverts for the Games. You can see Two Worlds, Butterfly, and Heart (my 2nd fav) on YouTube. All feature Gershwin’s Rhapsody in Blue.

The best is Sea Orchestra which prominently displays the Rhapsody.

I applaud United for giving different artists and animators relative carte blanche in deciding how to visually portray what is essentially the same message: travel can unite and separate.

There have been plenty of other passably good commercials. The LeBron / Yao Coca Cola commercial comes to mind. Not fantastic, but stylistically good.

Now on to the bad ones.

I’ll make a passing note to Chevy. Stop using Mellencamp’s This is Our Country. We get it. You pander to the mid-staters. Advertise on their stations. The song is annoying.

I’ll make note of this here, but I must first give credit to firejoemorgan.com. They broke the story and I thus give full credit to them.

(And they run a fantastic blog railing against bad sports journalism. If you’re reading this, you must enjoy reading bitching, so get on over there and read the hilarity. Finish here first, though.)

Here is Kerri Walsh (not Kerry as they say) in a 24-Hour Fitness commercial:

The commercial itself isn’t bad, but come on … “best seven out of twelve?”

Nevermind the phrase is either “best of thirteen” or “first to seven,” but what does “best seven out of twelve” even mean if you take it literally?

Does it mean whoever plays the best in a game regardless of the outcome is the overall victor? Kerri Walsh may have kicked some out-of-shape guys’ asses, but they looked good losing, so they got the best seven games.

Eh … moving on.

Subway’s latest ad campaign promotes their new Scrabble contest, obviously designed to challenge McDonald’s Monopoly monopoly. Unfortunately for them, their commercial just doesn’t pass the stupid test.

Did you just see what I saw?

People walk into Subway, and a guy walks out drenched and nonchalant. Remember the nonchalant part.

They spot another gal just inside the restaurant who is drenched, and happy. Remember the happy part.

Then we find out the source of said drenchage. Guy wins a contest and is so ecstatic that he flings his drink up into the air, drenching the family next to him.

Now I can see why he’s happy. But why would anyone else be happy or nonchalant. Why wouldn’t they be pissed off that they have been covered with sugary, sticky, icy soda?

Nope. Doesn’t pass the stupid test.

Legalese and Butt-Saving Language available here.

This site is not affiliated in any way with companies or trademarks represented in these fine advertisements. Commercial content presented here, either video, still shot, audio, or otherwise, remains the property of their respective owners. All trademarks represented on this site are the property of their respective owners. No copies of advertisements are or will ever be given or sold to anyone, no matter how much they plead with me to sell it to them. Materials presented here are for editorial purposes only.